Red light vendetta

There was this peanut back in school. He was and still is a really, really nice person. Well respected, highly educated and all that sort of thing.

He was also talented and was one of a few pioneers from our school to be selected to represent the school... abroad! Now that was a big thing back in the day.

These days going abroad is just slightly easier than making an infant sleep through the night. OK, I admit, I was lying there...its a lot easier.

However, when this happened, it was really, really tough. Only film stars on shoots and cricketers went abroad for work. So, our man went to OZ land representing the school. So with all the hero worship and fanfare, he set off for a 3 week trip to the land of the unknown, also known as Australia. At a time when email and IM did not exist for the layman, we heard nary a peep from him while abroad.

One fine day, he returned. I say 'twas a fine day, but it actually was a pretty sucky day, raining and all. The full wrath of monsoon was unleashed upon Ooty.

As was the convention back then, the conquering hero and a couple of other teachers gathered in our house to discuss important matters such as the state of the nation. On this particular evening, the flavour of the day was about Australia. I was, as usual, 'accidentally' overhearing the conversation while [pretending to] study(ing).

The much travelled man was regaling the audience with tales of Aussie Awesomeness. Roads you could eat off of, the smooth roads that didn't have a single pothole, the way traffic moved in perfect harmony, no honking, cleanliness and all the lovely, paved sidewalks on which only people and pets walked. I mean I was surprised there weren't even any cows on the road. It had my pre-teen mind in a whirl wondering where they kept all their cows.

Of the many tales that were told, one stuck to my head. I'm not sure why or what made it stick, but it stuck. He mentioned that there was this super advanced traffic light that was controlled by the pedestrians. Push a button, traffic stops, you safely cross the road, the light turns green again. At the time, it was cutting edge, the stuff of science fiction. Indulge me, while I explain why. Drivers in India love playing whack-a-mole. You know, the funky game where around 8 or 9 moles randomly pop up and you take a hammer and whack 'em on their heads to win a point? Road users in India love playing this game, except for one major issue. While you can find cows, donkeys, buffalo, elephants, goats, dogs, humans and all members of the animal kingdom on the road, I honestly think you cannot find moles on Indian roads. There may well be places where moles roam freely on the road, but I haven't seen one. So, our eager drivers settle for the next best thing, humans.

If you cross the road in India, expect to be run over. Setting this expectation is vital to survive as you can then get your survival instinct to kick in and cross safely by deftly sidestepping the lorry hurtling towards you.

So with this being the road crossing experience I had, hearing about automated pedestrian operated traffic lights was epic. Unbelievable even. Hearing that traffic actually stops when the light turned red made it even more fairy tale like. In fact, being the teacher that he was, he said he tested the system to check if the vehicles stop every time by pressing the button a few times without actually crossing the road. Apparently, they did stop and nobody jumped the light or honked at the Indian guy pushing the button and standing by the side looking very amused.

Fast forward a couple of decades and here I am. England. England, as you know, loves its pedestrians. In fact, councils here go out of their way to ensure pedestrians rule the road. So much so, the average high street in England would not look very different from the diagram below:

There is always a sea of red because of the pedestrian traffic lights. The lights are red, so all the vehicles in front of you brake, so all their red brake lights are flashing at you. It often feels like a blood bath. And, yes, they are all pedestrian controlled.

Getting stuck at the bottom of a wall of traffic on Wembley high street the other day, this story came back to me. It was no fairy tale, it was a nightmare! I imagined our man trying out all lights, starting with light #1 and running to #2 and so on, ensuring all lights stayed red! All of a sudden, whack-a-mole looked like a promising game to play...

Wired, an electrifying post...

Lil' bubba came a-visiting 3 months ago. Boundless joy and unlimited laughs then started teaming up with sleep deprivation and endless nappy changes (for the lady, that is!). *Takes a bow*

While the feller was in his mom's tummy sprouting legs and hands (and undoubtedly, a tail), one stream of constant advice I received from well wishers, nosy do gooders and friends alike was to baby proof the house before he popped out and said howdy-doo. Being the confident uncle of 4 that I was, I would instantly dismiss the suggestion.

My dismissal was not based on carelessness, arrogance or laziness. It was based on experience and confidence. You see, I'd seen 2 nieces and 2 nephews grow up and was in close range when 1 of each grew up. I was quite sure that babies didn't start getting mobile until around month 6 (if they are really keen and sharpish in achieving their mobility). If my son was blessed with my genes (even 5% of mine would suffice), he wouldn't start moving for at least 8 months to a year.

Logic then dictated that I do not have to move a finger until month 5 after birth. Why waste effort in moving stuff and hiding wires right now, when, between the time the mess was cleared and the time the stuff becomes useful, they would only get messed up again or be a hassle. As perceptive as I am, I can feel all dads and males reading this nodding in agreement at flawless logic and all females shaking their heads at the male of the species.

You see, in addition to reasons outlined above, there is another reason. Please be aware that this reason is ancillary to reasons outlined above. A by-product of the logic, if you will. You see, the wires around the entertainment centre in my house don't look far off from this:

Ideas elude the old noodle. When the TV is connected to the set top box, things are straight forward, but my TV is connected to the set top box through the xbox, which is connected to the Kinect and DVD player, which is connected to the home theatre system, which connected to the laptop to TV lead and laptop speaker adapter.

For all the innovations mankind has come up with, it has not come up with a product that can act like a banyan tree and power all other gadgets connected to it. So each has a wire running to the product it is connected to and each then runs to the wall socket. Did I mention that the xbox also has an additional wire running across the room to the internet router. I might add that the internet router is all the way across the room because it was placed there by the landlord, helpfully.

The lady hasn't helped the matter either. In a mistaken, lovey dovey gesture at the start of our wedded life, I thought I would be romantic to take her to Ikea to impress her. Big mistake. We came home with a couple of lamps that now needed to be plugged somewhere.

I also believe I've mentioned before how I've got wires snaking their way to and from my laptop as well.

For a wireless world, that's a hellavalot of wires!

I may not have done a very good job of describing the situation re: wires very well, but the image should help matters.

While on the topic of wires, I would like to take a minute and digress. Baby proofing an apartment, as I view it, consists of doing all it takes to keep little hands from sticking little fingers into little holes called plug points, ensuring naughty little hands stay out of stuff that they have no business getting into in the first place and ensuring little faces do not do a face-plant and even if they do, there isn't anything that would cause said face-plant to result in damage to said face or floor. Feel free to enlighten me about things I have not considered in the comments.

One of the things I have mentioned while considering baby proofing is keeping fingers out of plug points. This is where I take exception to the British health and safety system. Health and safety has dictated that all plugs in Britain conform to a three pin (hence earthed), square (square plug point holes do not bode well for round fingers trying to invade the hole), be moulded (broken plugs are not a hazard anymore) and resist coming out of the socket should the wire be tugged or tripped on. Now, wires that resist plopping out of the socket when tripped on mean they will trip and make trippee fall.

Also, in a case of astonishing oversight, all plug points in this place seem to be no more than 10cm from the floor. Anyone familiar with toddler or kids will know, they tend to be taller than 10cm. My question is, why would anyone place a hazard within reaching distance of a kid and then go about designing the most fool proof and complex mechanism to ensure kids don't get into them? If plug points were placed, say around the 5 foot level like it is back in India, doesn't this automatically solve the problem?

Thank you for allowing the digression, this needed to be said. Just had to get it off my chest.

Back to the story. With all these wires that needed de-wiring, I have no clue where to start. It's almost like the wires have a life of their own and resist any attempt at re-organisation. They've also developed such a deep bond among themselves that it feels almost criminal separating themselves. It's almost as cruel as separating lovers who are in passionate embrace. Only, this is more of an orgy than lovers.

I've been planning this for a while and now that bubba's been here for 3 months, I only have 2 months left to accomplish the task. There is, however, a problem here. You see, I now know why folks asked me to do this before he came. I have no time whatsoever. My life now is an endless rush between office, home, diaper, supermarket, diaper, playing, office and home.

All the 'planning' I've done has had one benefit though - I have thought of all angles. One of which is questioning why this needs to be done at all. Hear me out. The issue with shielding kids from all dangers a parent can think of, is that the child doesn't have the opportunity to learn. When we grew up, there was no health and safety. One learnt that sticking fingers into plug points resulted in an unpleasant sensation, so one didn't do it. The same way, one learnt that some places are not meant to be broken into. How are kids of these days going to learn if we keep removing hazards? Do they not deserve a well rounded, practical approach to parenting? Which is why, I've decided the wires stay.