Minnd the closing doors please!

Some are quiet, some a loud, some are meek, others ferocious. Some use the blessed phone, others don't need to. Some mumble, some jumble, other scream and we moan. Some chitter-chatter, others are aloof...you get the point, don't you? An astute reader of this blog would have already figured out what I'm talking about. If you haven't, you're just not astute enough. Yes, I am talking about train drivers/engineers or whatever fancy designation is given to them. In this post, they shall be called train drivers.

No brainer wasn't it? Allow me to explain.

"The average Londoner spends an average of 2 hours in a below average train on the average day". It's a fact no one can deny. Around an hour of each journey is spent hurtling down a dark, narrow tunnel with nary an idea as to distance or direction. The journey is bumpy, noisy and prone to "earlier signal failures" (wonder why  none of delays are due current signal failures or even signal failures...). In these dark and confusing times, the only beacon of hope is carried by train drivers. They pick up the public address system and enlighten the dull lives of their passengers by telling them which station they can look forward to next, why the train is not moving and even give you the excuse you can give for going late to your meeting. Just keeps the general excitement level up, keeps passengers on their toe and all that.

As with all good things in life, sadly, train drivers are human. So you will hear different accents, tones,  male voices, female voices, males with female voices and females with male voices. You also have wheezers, mumblers, screamers, chatter boxes and quietly efficient drivers etc. That's a lot of jargon there. I'm obliged to elaborate. Along with, where applicable, phonetic representations of the announcement, "Sorry about the delay ladies and gentlemen, we are just waiting for the signal to turn green ahead of us."

Wheezers: These are the fine people who breathe into the PA system. Passengers are treated to their every movement, breath or lack of it. "phphphphphph Sorry about the delay ladies and gentlemen, phphphphphph, we are just waiting phphphphphph for the signal phphphphphph to turn green ahead of us.phphphphphph phphphphphph phphphphphph phphphphphph ..."

Mumblers: These people think aloud. The PA system just happens to be overhearing their thoughts and transmitting it, albeit in a muffled way. (Smaller font indicates a lower volume) "Sorry about the delay ladies and gentlemen, we are just waiting for the signal to turn green ahead of us."

Screamers: These people haven't heard of the wonderful invention that is the PA system. They've never heard of them, nor do they need them. They only hold that black phone-like instrument to their ears 'coz the manual tells them to. They have no idea why they should hold them either. "Sorry about the delays ladies and gentlemen, we are just waiting for the signal to turn green ahead of us."

Chatter boxes: These guys tell you everything happening in their very exciting lives at all times of the day. "Sorry about the bump in the track, ladies and gentlemen, the track is uneven every 200 metres and I'll be talking to you every 200 metres and apologising for the bumpy ride." " sorry about the smell ladies and gentlemen, I shouldn't have eaten that can of beans last night" and so forth.

The quietly efficient blokes are usually very pleasant, they don't utter a word and quietly go about their job ferrying people from one corner of London to another. The only time they get annoying is just before the train starts from the first station. Normally, irrespective of the type, the driver would say, "this train is ready to depart, mind the closing doors please, mind the doors" (they always ask you to mind the closing doors twice, is it because there are 2 doors to each entrance that we need to be mindful about?). The quietly efficient ones just shut the door and make like a jack-rabbit that's spotted the fox. So when one tries to save time by walking all the way to the end of the platform BEFORE the train leaves, just so he can be the first to get off, the train doors just close, leaving you high and dry!

The worst offenders, you will find, are hybrids, who as the name suggest, either wheeze and scream or mumble and chatter or some similar annoying combination.

For those among us who think I've lost my marbles, I'm only talking about this since I had to endure an hour with a wheezing, screaming, chatter box this evening on the long commute back to the cozy confines of my residence. At one point in the journey, I even contemplated jumping ship and getting off at the nearest station and waiting for the next train, only to be foiled by the lovely weather we've been having recently.

So, "thank you!" to the driver for keeping me enlightened every step of way and "thank you!" to my dearest wife for relieving me of my noise canceling headphones. I had a lovely journey home.